Do you ever get that feeling when life has been a struggle after a struggle, what did I do to deserve this? Ya know, like is this Karma repaying me for something I did wrong or is this my fault somehow? And, right when things start to change for the better you feel that it is too good to be true and surely the other shoe is still going to drop right? How can I accept this good happening in my life when everything has been so hard for so long? Is this a blessing or preparation for when something will go wrong again?
I know, I know I really need to stop beating myself up it is a bad habit of mine that I am not proud of.
I know I have good in my life, like my husband and my two healthy boys. It is the fear that says, this must be too good to be true and surely all this good will be taken from me. A world where I am so helpless and consumed by the worry of it all. The love that is so deep as a mother consumes me, everyday I try to remind myself to appreciate the little things for tomorrow may not come.
This is what I fear the most.
Losing the people in my life that I love the most.
It certainly is not a topic you can casually bring up in a conversation, but I think about it a lot and cherish the time I do get.
Then something like this happens….I walk outside to find my late mother’s rose bush blooming in the middle of December, wow! She passed away two months after my first baby Mr. N was born, talk about a high and low at the same time! What does this mean, it has to mean something, right?
I fully understand that life is all about embracing the good times and living in the moment. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I find myself taking mental pictures of moments and keeping them safe inside of me, the smells, the taste and those special feelings and moments in time where you just can’t let escape you. I hold them close and remember them when I need energy and strength to be all I can be to my family.
We have had many special memories and I hold them dearly, however my lesson learned here is how important it is to live in the moment! Does everything happen for a reason?
What are your worst fears? And, how do you manage them?